TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it will feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That's the eyesight behind Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical growth-slash-luxurious real estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Indeed, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are conversing Damascus, the city historically noted for historical lifestyle, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It is going to be incredible. Large!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golfing cart Zoom simply call, streamed from the Placing inexperienced inside Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We have had wonderful ceasefires in Syria. Many of the ideal. But now, we're making them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and entirely from position. Intended by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A a few-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • Along with a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 yrs for potable water. But Of course, certain, let us have One more location where American Gentlemen can have on robes and simply call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international plan analysts are calling this one of the most audacious peace attempt due to the fact Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although former negotiations unsuccessful less than the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is less complicated: give All people a set to the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with documents published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is gentle electricity," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock requirements fewer diplomats plus more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms set up in Each individual device. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire noted, "It isn't that Trump shouldn't open a tower in a very war zone. It can be that he need to halt making use of it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested in regards to the undertaking, replied, "You know, person, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Superior men and women. Fantastic tan. Anyway, do I however have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "long term evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit in the Levant."



Satellite Photographs Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the resort's landscaping sorts an enormous Trump head visible from Room, a characteristic becoming promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents along with the chin is… very well, categorised.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits after obtaining the developing's gold plating mirrored much daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established fireplace to an area melon cart.


"It is not merely unattractive. It's a war crime with curtains," said Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Puzzling Characteristics


Probably the strangest element of your tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium where attendees could contemplate vague disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, entire with local climate Regulate established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Regional Syrians are Not sure what to Trump Tower Damascus make of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-12 months-outdated Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting Approach: "For those who Bomb It, They can Appear"


The advert campaign, just lately leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxury is Without end."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll executed inside of a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% reported "in which's the closest elevator to the West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Finally, a Crisis That Pays"


The venture is presently attracting notice from Intercontinental traders, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll acquire 3 penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional stage will even consist of:




  • A Greenback Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Based on the Iraq War





Remark Part Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the unveiling, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not hold out to view a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in place of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a hotel the place my PTSD may have change-down provider."


One more article from @KuwaitiKardashian simply questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officials be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Studies recommend:




  • China could open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to develop a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best floor "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Closing Views from your Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that concerned 3 camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It wanted gold. It needed a waterslide shaped such as the Structure. I gave all of it three. You are welcome."

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